The 2009 PGA Tour season will have a few sponsorship changes after a financial market meltdown effectively blamed on rampant capitalist freedom. Other changes are a result of the inevitable new-era of socialism implemented by a Barack Obama administration.
As we all know, The Chosen One prefers street basketball to the golf links.
No longer will the historically privately funded and horribly aristocratic game of golf be above recognizing the social ills affecting the world. Cigar smoking Republicans in country club lounges all over the nation will soon be indicted for either tax evasion, corporate fraud, or crimes against fashion pertaining to decades of wearing plaid pants and white wingtips.
In a Kyoto agreement mandated effort to “Go Green” the Mercedes-Benz Championship will now become the Toyota Prius Hybrid Championship. Four courtesy cars will be needed per participant; one for the player, one for his wife, one for his caddy, and one for his golf bag. They also fit nicely on cart paths.
The Sony Open in Hawaii will be changed to the Barack Obama Childhood Homeland Commemorative Invitational. Michelle Wie will be granted a 10 stroke lead prior to the tournament as reparations for all the white American tourists invading and destroying native Hawaiians’ pristine paradise.
The AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am will no longer exist due to new environmental regulations prohibiting golf within 500 yards of any coastline. As we learned from Cosmo Kramer, golf balls can plug a whale’s blowhole. This minor inconvenience is certainly worth insuring the survival of an entire species by protecting migrating whale pods off the coast of California.
Northern Trust Open—A bank sponsorship with the word “trust” right in the name, I think we all know how this ends. Replaced by the new wealthiest entity in America, public education endowments.
The Honda Classic remains the same. Honda’s scooter and emergency generator divisions are doing quite well.
The Zurich Classic of New Orleans can’t find a new sponsor after the Bank of Zurich figures out that dropping $5 million on a golf tournament annually for an employee open bar at the corporate courtesy tent is not exactly wise use of investor funds. F.E.M.A. funds are tapped to bail out the event in an already depressed tourism based economy.
Investigations later find that people claiming to be PGA Tour players cashed their winnings checks in Vegas on Friday night the week of the event.
The Players Championship—Now the Playa’s Championship, site moved to Hotlanta
The U.S. Open is changed to the U.N. Open. All American players are accused of abusing fans and are banned from the course. None of the other international participants can finish their round or post a score and the entire tournament is declared a golfocide.
British Open Championship officials mock the trouble the U.S. PGA Tour is having, then immediately follow suit with the exact same issues.
The Canadian Open becomes the largest player and fan attended event of the season. 92% of those people happen to be Americans who all defect in an effort to live in the least socialist economy in North America.
The PGA Championship finally steps down as a major championship and is replaced by a game of horse between Barack Obama and Tiger Woods in the White House Gym, the highest ratings ever for this event.
The Tour Championship is held on an offshore oil rig so the players can avoid paying Obama’s higher taxes on the rich for their Fed Ex cup bonus winnings.
The Shell Houston Open goes on as scheduled due to Texas immediately seceding from the United States and finally building an immigration fence, only it is on the northern border of Texas to protect the Bush family from prosecution at the direction of the newest Obama Supreme Court appointees.
In an effort to get back at southern whites, The Masters is renamed The Slaves. In this tournament the players are the ones who must wear white caddy bibs and carry their own golf bags while their respective caddies have a scotch on the clubhouse porch. It’s also okay for caddies to verbally and physically abuse any player who misses a putt inside four feet.
The Wachovia Championship assures all involved that it will be held as scheduled. When the players arrive their scorecards are already filled out for them and signed. Few protest due to very low scores across the board.
Tournament officials explain that rules are meant to be bent and that actually playing golf is a silly formality since they are sure each player could have shot those scores or even better if given the opportunity. Winning checks bounce and the Golf Channel blames deregulation.
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